I will make this kinda quick and painless. Had a horrible day. Only person I was able to talk to today was Dylan and another person.
And what did I do with the other person? They pushed on some mistake I made years ago, and instead of just saying I was sorry and moving on, I decided to hold my ground and swing back. And I swung for the fences. Needless to say, I might have cost me a good friend of a few years.
Much to whoever’s chagrin, I wished Rini a happy birthday and we had talked for a bit. It was nice, there was no romance or anything of the sorts. She is content with what she has and I am content being alone. I don’t think there is any bitterness, well, before this.
Take it from me. I have a lot of pride, and a big, throbbing, thick, ego- but, it’s ok to admit your mistakes multiple times. Two times, three times. Doesn’t matter. Never do you have the right to just fire back. If a person wants to keep hearing how sorry you are for a mistake, no matter how old the mistake. Suck it up. Say “OK, I fucked up” and move on.
It was about why we broke up so many times. I called her names while we were together (Well, we both did, and I’m not looking to vindicate myself at all), but I had things going on with Samantha and I wouldn’t excise Sam to be with Rini. I felt Sam was a friend and even thought I would openly blast Samantha, I still talked to her occasionally. Sam is happy with a new boyfriend, and Rini is happy with a new boyfriend. I don’t want to trample on any of that. Point is, by not committing to Rini, she eventually lost it over the whole Sam deal. Sam and Rini no doubt hate each other, and the hatred goes beyond me. I just played the coward and tried not to get involved. This was a mistake. But, one I don’t like admitting. I like to claim my high ground spot, but I should just concede that I fucked up. I really did.
I probably cost myself a friend. We didn’t talk all that much to begin with, but still. I hate that I fucked it up. I do lose my temper on occasion and say things I don’t mean, but this wasn’t one of those times. I just felt like I had explained Samantha enough times and that I pushed her away for Rini enough. I should have just admitted I was in the wrong in the past. I couldn’t.
I didn’t want to apologise for what I felt was water under the bridge and instead call my friend everything but a white man.
This is not normal for me. I am not an evil, plotting person. With 90% of the people I know, I can still admit my downfalls well after the actual occurance. This time, I just went off.
I read back what I wrote hours after the fact and I am really ashamed of myself. If the person doesn’t talk to me again, I can’t really blame them. IF they read this, I’m not sure if I would be happy or even more ashamed.
I really, really fucked up. A bigger mistake than the first mistake to begin with. I really should learn to shut my fucking mouth and when someone humbles me, I need to just… remain humble.
The last few months, I have been happier with things. This was the kind of mistake I didn’t think capable of making. I did though. And hopefully, with this fresh in mind, I will really think twice about what I say.
I’m sorry, Rini. I was wrong. I really can’t say it anymore elogent than that.
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